Take Up Space
A Letter to My Daughter
Hey kiddo,
We’ve been watching the Women’s World Cup for a few weeks now, and it’s been an interesting development. You are not a soccer player; you love tennis and theatre and singing. But you have taken an interest in the players and the game. I told you about each of them: Tobin’s strength, Alex’s grace, Alyssa’s steel, Rose’s speed, Julie’s will, Megan’s brashness, and so on. You picked Alex Morgan as your favorite at the beginning of the tournament: “She is pretty AND strong; I like that”. Recently, however, you have turned your admiration to Megan Rapinoe; the purple hair and fierceness have won you over.
We watched the women as they demolished Thailand. We cheered them on as they played Chile. We saw a little more challenge in the match with Sweden. We held our breath as we watched Spain try to push them around. In each match, I noticed that Megan didn’t put her hand over her heart or sing the national anthem; it didn’t bother me, as I fully subscribe to James Baldwin’s quote: “I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually”. I am not sure you noticed it, and I didn’t point it out. But the criticism and the controversy swirled around her. Even President Trump weighed in on it with some pretty heavy-handed words.
In between the Sweden and the Spain match, we watched a fluff story on fashion and Megan; we jammed to the Lizzo song playing in the background, and we both marveled at Megan’s ability to just genuinely be herself. You turned to me and exclaimed, “I like her! She’s just so cool!”. Then she proceeded to score two penalty kicks to win against Spain; we cheered. Then it all hit the fan even more.
In the lead up to the match against France, some comments that Megan had made a few months earlier came to light; when asked if she would visit the White House if they won the World Cup, she unabashedly replied that she would not be going, and she threw in some colorful language just to reiterate the point. Lost in all of that, she also said that she didn’t think they would even be invited. That wasn’t the story though. The expletive and its meaning were.
Suddenly, everyone was a critic. She was arrogant. She was inappropriate. She was unpatriotic. In her press conference before the France game, she clarified that she meant the comments but maybe not the expletive, as her mom would not approve. You laughed at that: “Your mom wouldn’t either, Mom”.
Then what happened? Well, we watched as the quarterfinal match against France played out like a final. Megan scored on a free kick that put itself perfectly into the goal, untouched. Then she scored on a nail-biter pass from Tobin Heath that wasn’t even supposed to go to her. Her skill on the pitch might only be surpassed by her proud response to the goals: arms held up to the sky as if to say, “Are you not entertained?”. She is a woman that is at her best when the pressure is most fierce and the fire around her burns hottest.
And it will continue to be fierce; some thought the celebration was a bit much. Piers Morgan even weighed in: “Ms. Rapinoe sure does love herself”. He meant it as criticism, but that’s where I want to address you, my sweet girl.
It’s okay to love yourself. Our fashion magazines and media, as we talked about this week, often tell you not to. They want you to want to change your body because it benefits them when you are unhappy. Change your hair! Wear the right makeup! Make your body perfect! Those are the messages you’ll get; remember to really try to love yourself as you are. And be proud, kiddo! It’s okay to always be proud of your accomplishments. It’s okay to work hard and celebrate when that hard work pays off. But, most importantly, it’s okay to take up space in this world. You see, women are often criticized for that. We are told to be demure. Quiet. Humble. Pretty. Seen and not heard. We can be happy, but not TOO happy. We can be proud, but not TOO proud. We can get mad, but we shouldn’t turn that into anger and get emotional. Don’t be too critical. Don’t raise that voice. Talk less. Smile more. It’s society’s perpetual message.
Ignore it.
Take up that space, darling. Be like Megan. Be brash and bold. Be proud. Remember that it’s okay to speak out against any injustice you see. People may not always love that, but we can’t always be everyone’s cup of tea. The world might try to crowd you into a box and tell you to quiet down. Spread those arms out and speak up. Always.
Love,
Mom
