Where’s the Decency?
Being Dad in a Presidential Debate
There were so many viral moments in Tuesday’s Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Moments played over and over again because they get likes and clicks. “Just shut up, man”. “Stand back and stand by”. Words that will be burned into our history, even as we are shocked and repelled by them. It seems obvious that we have never seen a debate quite like this one; neither the moderator or one of the candidates could get a word in edgewise. As so many people noted: it was a mess.
But there was a moment that didn’t get as much play; it didn’t go viral because it wasn’t summed up in a few words that could be put on a meme. However, it resonated with a lot of people.
As Joe Biden talked about his son, Beau, and his service to the country, Donald Trump said he didn’t know Beau and then launched into a series of vicious attacks on Biden’s son, Hunter. He was dishonorably discharged (he wasn’t). His cocaine use (that one is true). And on and on it went. In that moment, Trump dismissed the grief over a dead son to hurl insults at the other. The anguish showed in Biden’s face: is this what we have become?
I cannot imagine how Hunter Biden might have felt in that moment. We so often forget that politicians’ children are people too. He lost a brother. He lost his mother and sister. He shares immense pain and grief with his father. He is also an addict. That can be a humiliating and stigmatizing thing to be in our society. He has friends and family members that saw that exchange and probably felt embarrassed for him. His dad was up there grieving his brother while simultaneously having to answer for the proverbial skeletons in his closet. It must have been hurtful and enraging.
With all of this in mind, one could forgive Biden for losing it; after all, parents are hard-wired to defend their kids. He could have easily countered with the nepotism, greed, and lack of decorum that the Trump children show on a regular basis. He could have speculated about drug use. There were a number of arrows in the quiver Biden could have pulled out to fight back. But he didn’t.
Instead, he showed the American people the immense juxtaposition between the two candidates. A chasm exists between these two men, and he laid it bare with what he did next. Biden broke the fourth wall and said directly to the people, “My son, my son, my son — like a lot people, like a lot of people you know at home — had a drug problem,” Biden said. “He’s overtaken it, he’s fixed it, he’s worked on it. And I’m proud of him. I’m proud of my son.” In one moment of connection to the camera, he showed the American people and his son that he was not ashamed, and he would not be bullied into saying otherwise.
We underestimate moments like this one and how they resonate with people. So many of us know someone who struggles with addiction. Almost 20 million people in this country can be counted in that group. Addiction is so hard because it’s so self-destructive. It can be hard to understand why people do this to themselves. We are in the throes of an opioid crisis that kills 40,000 to 50,000 people per year. For so long, it was treated as some sort of moral failing instead of a health crisis. So many people need help and so many never receive it. The pain and anguish of watching someone struggle with this is real. Biden knows this. It’s why the moment resonated.
Instead of going on the defensive and surging up for an attack, Biden extended a grace to his son and, in extension, anyone struggling with addiction. Addiction can be overcome, but it is a struggle. You have to work on it. But I am proud of you. We shouldn’t underestimate decency as a variable in this race; it may not be flashy, but it is something voters crave. We could use more of it.
